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Oh, hey::waves:: Are you still here? A small breather turned into a long blogging hiatus. I've missed this place. I've missed being a small part of a community that made me feel connected. In all honesty, things got heavy around here for a while. They still are. The holidays are never easy for me emotionally and I think by the end of the year I'm all tapped out. I'd also hoped that I'd get pregnant this past year. And, it's not happening. I'm sad that something that has happened so easily for me in the past is not working now. I'm panicked because I'll be 40 in six months and I had set some kind of {arbitrary}deadline that I had to have a baby by 40 if I was going to have another one. Maybe this is the universe's way of way telling me I'm not in control of all the things. Predictor kits, thermometers, charts,vitamins,stalking infertility boards,apps...they've kind of taken over and there's a two week period every month where I'm living in limbo, holding my breath and followed by crushing disappointment. I also feel guilty because I have four great kids and I know that there are many who are struggling to have one. Do I even have a right to feel upset? 

And, so I withdrew from something I used to enjoy so much because sometimes it's to hard to camouflage the sadness. I'm sure that's more than you ever wanted to know;)  But, I'm back and in a better place! Thank you so much for the emails and the "girl, where are you?" IM's. It's nice to know people are thinking about you!